After loss number three I felt like I was really losing it. I think something like that is only natural after you lose your third pregnancy in a year and a half. But I was concerned I was heading back into what I had thought was the dark hole of depression. Which I again thought I had back in say 2004. My wonderful family doctor suggested Lexapro or the generic I’m actually on called Escitalopram (and yes when you say it it sounds like Excitelopram…no the irony is not lost on me). But there was a condition to taking this medication. I had to go and talk to a therapist. Now I wasn’t put off by this. In fact I was glad she suggested it. Because there is still a nasty stigma associated with therapy and any type of mental illness. So I wasn’t about to go on my own. But for someone else who I trust to say it was ok? Well, then it was ok.
Of course getting an appointment was not so easy. It took two months to get in! Apparently I majored in the WRONG subject in college. But the day finally came (yesterday) and I went and she asked questions and I answered. It turns out (after an hour and 15 minutes and $25) I’m not depressed at all. Yes I’m grieving the loss of the pregnancies. But it seems I actually suffer from high anxiety and, and OCD or CDO (as it should be). The OCD bit I knew about.
I’ve got this thing about checking locks and light switches. It does not help that my husband asks me after I’ve giggled the handle 10 times if I’m sure its locked. Because it then takes ten more shakes to be sure. Sigh.
I do this when I go to bed at night too. Even though I know full well my husband will check before he goes to bed. But that’s me. I also have this thing about the doors being open. Yes, even with the screen door closed. I have this crazy fear that someone will get in OR that someone will get in and let my cats out. I don’t get it…hence the therapy. As she thinks the anxiety/OCD is the biggest issue I have. Ok we’ll start with that and see where we go right?
BUT as we talked I realized that this anxiety and OCD thing went back to high school! And I cannot for the life of me tell you why it started or actually pinpoint an event that kicked it all off. Yet here it is. All I can tell you is that’s when I noticed I started doing odd things like checking locks and light switches repeatedly. I also noticed I did odd things when left alone. I’d sleep downstairs (only when I lived with people). I guess my thought was I’d hear someone breaking in and then I’d freak out rather than having them surprise me. I know it makes no sense what so ever…but the anxiety leads to the OCD or vice versa and I end up caught in this loop.
So now I know, good right? Yes and no. Because now I know those feelings like I’m having a mini heart attack once a week (sometimes) are called panic attacks. NO I actually did not associate them with anything, but now I know I should. So when they happen at home I can simply ride them out in private. However, when they happen at work there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Well, maybe I excuse myself to the restroom to freak out in private.
At least I found someone who believes me and wants to help me. Can I be cured, um probably not. Can it be managed better I sure as hell hope so. Now who wants to sleep over this weekend while my husband is away…as you guessed it I’ll be sleeping on the couch with my phone nearby. Good times, good times.
Just a few other things that make my OCD act up:
Finally things that I check/redo constantly:
That my alarm clock is set
Depending on how I stepped of the last step I might have to redo it with the other foot
I’m sure there are others, but now that I’ve freaked anyone out who read this blog I should probably stop…
One last thing. My husband had an idea this was my bigger issue. He says I worry too much. NO KIDDING. But worry is another road to anxiety which we all know leads to (say it with me) OCD! So I’m in for a long haul, but at least he’s here to help me through it and to stop asking me if I’m sure the damn door is locked!