*Again this post may contain triggers*
After hitting the post but to on last night’s post I felt great. As though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I also had an outpouring of messages from friends and strangers alike. Some saying I was brave and courageous for coming out, so to speak. But while these messages were pouring in the anxiety came too. And let me tell you friends she is nasty little bitch! My heart started to pound, my palms got sweaty. I started to feel like I was saying “look at me” and that I was a “fraud” with that post (because I do not see myself as brave. I am a chicken). Then, then I took a deep breathe and another as I realized who was trying to crash my cathartic party – anxiety.
As if to say “you can’t get rid of me”, and she’s right. Because I tired to get to bed last night and there she was keeping me awake until 2am. Plus when she turns up stress usually follows or sometimes she hides in my stress. And sometimes she’s sweet enough to bring my OCD out to play too. Those are special times let me tell you.
Here’s something else folks don’t know about me. I dislike huge social events. They drain me and when I’m drained you know who slips in. So going to a Sherlock Holmes convention last April was a big deal for me. I don’t ever do that. Hell getting ready to go a convention for Sherlock Holmes this weekend has caused a spike in my anxiety. I have no need to be anxious but I am. Look I’ve already started to pack, laying out things, unpacking, repacking. Mostly trying to psych myself up to go and just be me. After all I know these people. I’ve met most of them last April. Plus we talk all the time on the Twitter or in a group chat. But this is what my life is like with anxiety waiting on the sidelines ready to jump in the game.
Right now typing this is causing palpitations. I’ve learned to live with my anxiety. I’ve learned how a few coping mechanisms to “get by”. For example when I feel my OCD acting up instead of staying in the house and leaving when my husband is ready…I go out and open the garage and get in the car so I won’t be tempted to jiggle the door handle 7 times before I feel I leave. I trust that he’s going to secure the house and I can let it go and send anxiety back to the bench. Even if it’s only for a few hours.
I know it’s a slippery slope that could lead me right back to depression. So do some of the people in my life. Last Friday I found out I didn’t get a job I had applied for. I was upset and crying about it when I called my mom. Her instant response was “Are you ok, do you need me to come over?” Which I knew was above general mom concern. She was worried something a silly as not getting a new job (when I still have a perfectly good job I love) could lead me to some dark placed. But I assured her I was fine. I ordered food, poured a glass of wine, and chatted with friends about the situation and you know I felt better.
So it isn’t easy. Some days just are easier.