For some reason I didn’t think today was “the day”. The day we found out we lost our second pregnancy at 6 1/2 weeks along. The day we found out my husband’s cousin was killed in a truck vs. motorcycle accident (PLEASE SHARE THE ROAD). For some reason I thought I had two days to prepare myself for “the day”.
In fact I thought it was the “other day”…the day that should have been our first child’s 2nd birthday. But thanks to google I looked up which of these days was a Monday in 2012 and found that day was today…well fuck me. As you can imagine I had a little cry at my desk. Then made a post to twitter about it, like you do. I find letting things out on twitter are pretty freeing. I mean it will go to your followers and if you add a little hashtag – anyone.
Before I knew it lovely messages were pouring in from friends and new friends a like. I knew y’all were great…I didn’t know how great. Seriously you folks helped make a really fucking terrible day amazing. (I’m allowed to curse a blue street today FYI)
So let me tell you a little about D. I met D back in 2007 when I went with my then boyfriend to meet “some” of his family in New Hampshire for his grandmother’s birthday. And let me tell you his Grammy was pretty amazing too (a story for another time). I spent the weeks leading up to this trip grilling the now mister on who everyone was. Which included sharing funny stories about all of them as it would help me remember folks.
Long story short I meet D and he says “I bet you don’t know who I am?” My response was “You have a black Sharpie on you D?” To which he responded “How the fuck do you know about that?” This also came with the biggest hug I have ever received. As for the Sharpie comment…let’s just say D was a budding artist as a youngster and used a part of himself as a canvas…
Seriously, this guy rocked. He and my husband ran a Warrior Dash race in dresses. D. added a wig, the mister and pretty pink hat. Oddly enough their dresses also matched! Their cousin J also ran the race in some sort of dress and fake fur boots, they were a sight to see. Just two weeks later this guy would stand up as best man at our wedding. Which he attended with his beautiful bride to be.
One of these days when I know she’s ready I’ll gift her this photo. It was and always will be a favorite of the mister and I. We attended there wedding the following May, the mister served as a groomsman and life was amazing for a year and a half. That is until some dumbass blew through a red light in his truck and hit D. That day our lives changed forever.
But it wasn’t our only loss. Eight hours before we would find out he was gone we got our own devastating news, the baby I was carrying had no heartbeat. I was numb from that minute on and for much of the week after (once we had heard about D). However, it was my niece who said this “So D must have had to go look after both babies (we had lost our first pregnancy between Christmas 2011 and New Year’s 2012)” Now I’m not a religious person at all, but that helped me.
What continues to help me is the memories of D. All the wild and amazing things he did in his daily life. All the adventures and new things he tried. Most of all – all the love and devotion he had for his family. That is what I take with me to get through this day. Besides if he were here now he would clearly tell me “God hates a pussy!” And so I dry my eyes, look up and smile, thank him for all the love and good times he’s shared with me in the time I knew him and ask him to give my babies a hug from their mommy. ❤ ❤