My ongoing battle with anxiety

*Again this post may contain triggers*

After hitting the post but to on last night’s post I felt great. As though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I also had an outpouring of messages from friends and strangers alike. Some saying I was brave and courageous for coming out, so to speak. But while these messages were pouring in the anxiety came too. And let me tell you friends she is nasty little bitch! My heart started to pound, my palms got sweaty. I started to feel like I was saying “look at me” and that I was a “fraud” with that post (because I do not see myself as brave. I am a chicken). Then, then I took a deep breathe and another as I realized who was trying to crash my cathartic party –  anxiety.

As if to say “you can’t get rid of me”, and she’s right. Because I tired to get to bed last night and there she was keeping me awake until 2am. Plus when she turns up stress usually follows or sometimes she hides in my stress. And sometimes she’s sweet enough to bring my OCD out to play too. Those are special times let me tell you.

Here’s something else folks don’t know about me. I dislike huge social events. They drain me and when I’m drained you know who slips in. So going to a Sherlock Holmes convention last April was a big deal for me. I don’t ever do that. Hell getting ready to go a convention for Sherlock Holmes this weekend has caused a spike in my anxiety. I have no need to be anxious but I am. Look I’ve already started to pack, laying out things, unpacking, repacking.  Mostly trying to psych myself up to go and just be me. After all I know these people. I’ve met most of them last April.  Plus we talk all the time on the Twitter or in a group chat.  But this is what my life is like with anxiety waiting on the sidelines ready to jump in the game.

Right now typing this is causing palpitations. I’ve learned to live with my anxiety. I’ve learned how a few coping mechanisms to “get by”.  For example when I feel my OCD acting up instead of staying in the house and leaving when my husband is ready…I go out and open the garage and get in the car so I won’t be tempted to jiggle the door handle 7 times before I feel I leave. I trust that he’s going to secure the house and I can let it go and send anxiety back to the bench.  Even if it’s only for a few hours.

I know it’s a slippery slope that could lead me right back to depression. So do some of the people in my life. Last Friday I found out I didn’t get a job I had applied for. I was upset and crying about it when I called my mom. Her instant response was “Are you ok, do you need me to come over?” Which I knew was above general mom concern. She was worried something a silly as not getting a new job (when I still have a perfectly good job I love) could lead me to some dark placed. But I assured her I was fine. I ordered food, poured a glass of wine, and chatted with friends about the situation and you know I felt better.

So it isn’t easy. Some days just are easier.

My battles with depression and anxiety #DepressionLies

*Please note this may be a trigger for your own depression or other mental health concern.*

I was deeply saddened to hear of the death of Robin Williams this evening.  I’ve read posts on how he impacted people’s lives through his comedy and acting. And I have also read about more personal and closer to home battles with depression among those I am very close to.

One friend spoke about being pushed to the edge.  But that thankfully she was able to step back from taking her own life.  Today she is married to the love of her life and I must admit I am much better for having her in my life even if we only touch base via the internet and now through letters.  But her post as well as Mr. Williams passing has brought me to think about my own struggles with depression and anxiety.

Most people “in the know” about my depression/anxiety would tell you it began around 2004.  But they’d be wrong.  I first saw a therapist when I was a sophomore or junior in college.  I was going through a breakup with who I thought was the “love of my life” at the time and to be honest…my friends advice was not cutting it at the time.  In fact I found it extremely hard to talk to them about what was going on in my life.  I was also five long hours away from home which left me feeling very alone all while surrounded by friends.  But I made it through.  How?  One day for some reason I happened by the college counseling center and knocked on the door.

I’ve never been more grateful that someone answered that door.  Which was not the first time I was grateful someone was there to open a door when I knocked, or pick up the phone when I called.  But Dr. L. did answer the door.  In fact she saw me through a great deal in the time we spent together.  To say that she saved me is an understatement.  She probably had a lot to do with why I stayed at a college five hours away from home.  I am forever grateful to her and was saddened to hear of her passing a few years ago.

At that time I didn’t consider that depression.  From what I knew about any type of mental health concerns (thank you shitty college psychology classes) it was only a problem if your needed medication and at the time I didn’t.  Boy was I wrong.

In 2004 all that would change.  Again I was going through some serious relationship issues as well as some potential life altering medical testing stuff (the medical stuff turned out ok).  But there i was in my early-mid 20’s not feeling like myself.  I didn’t know what I was really feeling, I just knew that it wasn’t good.  So I called my mom.  Who thankfully was only an hour away this time.  I remember clearly telling her “I don’t feel like myself, and I need to see someone.”  She was outside my dorm room in an hour.

This was the first time I was prescribed lexapro, it would not be the last.  I went and talked to my family doctor who prescribed the medication with the provision that I agreed to speak to someone.  Which I did, another school psychologist. Let me tell you she too was a miracle worker.  Then again maybe that was all me.  But I had talked to her about things going on in my life.  Which included not thoughts of taking my own life, but thoughts of what life would be like for others had I not been here at all.

Obviously, this wasn’t the best thought to have either.  But we talked it out.  I kept on with my medication for close to three years.  I was quiet about being on the medication before as I did feel there was a stigma to being on something like that.  But the people I shared it with turns out were also taking medication for their own battles with depression/anxiety/etc.  It was like we had found out we all belonged to this really shitty club.  But we also realized we had each other.  That was something.

Like I said I was able to get off taking the lexapro once the medicine started to not make me feel like me anymore.  Which was my hint that I didn’t need it anymore and honestly things were pretty great for quite a while.  Until August 2012.  By that point we had lost one pregnancy and I was about to find out that I was losing another.  My husband’s cousin (and best man at our wedding) had been killed the very same day we found out that our unborn baby had no heartbeat.  August 22 does not exist in our book.  Fuck that day is the motto in this house.

That’s when depression and anxiety started to creep back into my life to make me feel worthless and to remind me I was a failure because I could not sustain a pregnancy past 6.5 weeks.  The worst part was I listened.  I LET it reach in and put down roots for close to six months.  Then we got the best short lived news ever, we were expecting again.  With that news the feeling of depression seemed to go away.  The same thing happened with with baby number three. This time the depression and anxiety were there and waiting to cover me like a blanket.  They made me think of them as old friends and that this was how life was going to be and that that life was ok.

And again, I let them until one day at work I called my husband in tears and told him I needed to see someone.  I knew I needed to get back on the lexapro again and I needed to see someone to talk again.  Thankfully the one good thing my former primary care doc did was give me Dr. H’s number.  She has been a fantastic therapist.  She along with my family and friends have seen me through the worst of my feelings of depression.  So much so that I again was able to drop the lexapro.  I do have a bottle of fast acting anxiety meds – just in case that I have taken twice in the six months I’ve had them.  I’m grateful that I have the tools to help myself.  I’m grateful for the friends and family who continue to be there for me in person, at conventions, online, or even in an email or a letter.

But it also reminds me that not everyone has the supports in their own life that I have in mine.  There are people you can call if you are in crisis or just need someone to listen.  The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.  In most cases they can also assist in giving direction on where or how to get further help.  Please call them if you need to talk to someone.  I know it isn’t for everyone, but it is one option.  Talk to your friends and family.  Hell talk to me here on the blog in the comments or hit me up on twitter (@galinthegreyhat).

The most important things I have learned in my past battle with depression and continued battle with anxiety is that they lie ALL THE TIME.  I have also learned that I matter, and I want you to know if you are reading this that YOU matter. YOU are important and YOUR life means something.

I’m allergic to what?

Who knew?

Certainly not me.  But I found out this evening at my annual physical that I am in fact allergic to latex.  The response from the doc  was amusing to say the least… “The hell…I think you may be allergic to latex.”

Now imagine no bandaids, but what still looks like bandaids…”good” times.

So that’s just one more thing I need to remember to tell docs/blood drawing people/and the like.  I also shelled out on latex free bandages and hydrocortisone.  But personally I’d rather not have random skin reactions thanks.

I’ve also got a bunch of blood tests to get done.  I’m getting tested for potential anemia, diabetes, and thyroid issues.  In the past none of these tests have been conducted properly.  Meaning I NEVER fasted prior to the tests.  Mostly because my old PCP’s take was I didn’t need to fast and stop telling her how to do her job.  I always pointed out that I thought I needed to fast prior to these tests.  Which is why I’m at a new PCP.

Said new PCP was also good enough to prescribe me something for the panic attacks.  One of those one and done kind of pills.  Oh happy day!  Seeing as those little bastards have been coming on A LOT more lately.  Hopefully this works and doesn’t knock me out.  All in all it was an awesome first visit.  Now to get that damn blood work done within the next week!  But first dinner.

Travel Anxiety

This post was actually written last week!  I know I didn’t procrastinate…Aren’t you proud?  Fine I wrote it the night before we left.  But hey it’s not like I wrote the DAY we left.  

I’ve been having major travel anxiety getting ready for this trip.  I mean what if I forget something important I can’t replace while I’m away?  You know like my meds?  Sure I’ve got a list of items to pack and take with me that I’ve checked off at things go into one bag or another…but WHAT IF??  Well, that little “what if” sent me into a frenzy of what I call travel anxiety.

This is pretty much me…(but not really a picture of me)…good times!

I’m fine once we’re on the train and while we are in the air, hell I’m GOLDEN while we’re traveling.  However, I do miss the three fur balls.  But no it’s usually those last two days leading up to said travel were I turn into this really super anxious and crabby person.  More anxious and less crabby.  I’ve tried doing things like making lists, venting on Twitter, etc to try to calm those things.  But it didn’t work.  I was wide awake freaking out until I forced myself to go to bed at 1am.  The night before we left there will be some melatonin on board.

But once we get in the car I’ll be FINE.  It’s weird right?  I don’t get it and I don’t know how to nip it in the bud.  Thoughts? Tips? Tricks?

Do me a solid…read this…and pass it on! {You just might save a life}

If you happen to be new to this here blog…welcome! And now I’m going to get unfunny for the rest of the post. Why? Because what I want to talk about is serious business. Did you know this week is Suicide Prevention Week? Well, now you know. Therefore…

(ok there will be some funny in this post)

Anyway, as most of you know I’ve had OCD for quite a while. But was only recently diagnosed with high anxiety that tend to come along with a good old fashioned panic attack. Always a “good” time let me tell you. I even take a generic of Lexapro (escitalopram and no the irony of the name of the generic is not lost on me) to attempt to keep me from getting said anxiety/panic attacks. Does it always work? No. But I’d say it does it’s thing 90% of the time.

So what does this have to do with Suicide Prevention Week? Well, it’s my way of showing you that ANYONE can have some type of mental health issue.

Very true!

But not everyone seeks out help. Sadly instead of getting help some folks chose to end it all because they don’t know there are people they can talk to or services available to them.

But if they do know, even then they may not seek treatment because of the MONSTER stigma attached to mental health issues. Heck it even took me a month or two to get up the nerve to tell my family doc that something didn’t feel right and I needed help. No I wasn’t feeling suicidal, not at all. Just that even my doctor would not want to help me. But thankfully she did and prescribed the anti-anxiety meds AND connected me with a great psychologist. Who I might add thinks I might just have my anxiety under control. Wooo! BUT I still know I have a long way to go and I’m ready to dig in thanks to my many friends and family who love and support me.

So please, please don’t dismiss people when they may ask you for help or look like they may need help. Reach out to them, and offer them any help you might be able to give. You might just save someone’s life.

Here are a few handy resources to have, just in case you or someone you know needs them:

Lifeline – this is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline

This link takes you to another area on Lifeline’s site that lists ways to get help via social media sites like Facebook and others.

Many thanks to The Bloggess for sharing all of this and more information on her own blog. You should go check it out!

Thanks for reading and sharing.

Good to know or is it?

After loss number three I felt like I was really losing it. I think something like that is only natural after you lose your third pregnancy in a year and a half. But I was concerned I was heading back into what I had thought was the dark hole of depression. Which I again thought I had back in say 2004. My wonderful family doctor suggested Lexapro or the generic I’m actually on called Escitalopram (and yes when you say it it sounds like Excitelopram…no the irony is not lost on me). But there was a condition to taking this medication. I had to go and talk to a therapist. Now I wasn’t put off by this. In fact I was glad she suggested it. Because there is still a nasty stigma associated with therapy and any type of mental illness. So I wasn’t about to go on my own. But for someone else who I trust to say it was ok? Well, then it was ok.

Of course getting an appointment was not so easy. It took two months to get in! Apparently I majored in the WRONG subject in college. But the day finally came (yesterday) and I went and she asked questions and I answered. It turns out (after an hour and 15 minutes and $25) I’m not depressed at all. Yes I’m grieving the loss of the pregnancies. But it seems I actually suffer from high anxiety and, and OCD or CDO (as it should be). The OCD bit I knew about.

I’ve got this thing about checking locks and light switches. It does not help that my husband asks me after I’ve giggled the handle 10 times if I’m sure its locked. Because it then takes ten more shakes to be sure. Sigh.

Are you sure??? (wisegeek.com)

I do this when I go to bed at night too. Even though I know full well my husband will check before he goes to bed. But that’s me. I also have this thing about the doors being open. Yes, even with the screen door closed. I have this crazy fear that someone will get in OR that someone will get in and let my cats out. I don’t get it…hence the therapy. As she thinks the anxiety/OCD is the biggest issue I have. Ok we’ll start with that and see where we go right?

BUT as we talked I realized that this anxiety and OCD thing went back to high school! And I cannot for the life of me tell you why it started or actually pinpoint an event that kicked it all off. Yet here it is. All I can tell you is that’s when I noticed I started doing odd things like checking locks and light switches repeatedly. I also noticed I did odd things when left alone. I’d sleep downstairs (only when I lived with people). I guess my thought was I’d hear someone breaking in and then I’d freak out rather than having them surprise me. I know it makes no sense what so ever…but the anxiety leads to the OCD or vice versa and I end up caught in this loop.

So now I know, good right? Yes and no. Because now I know those feelings like I’m having a mini heart attack once a week (sometimes) are called panic attacks. NO I actually did not associate them with anything, but now I know I should. So when they happen at home I can simply ride them out in private. However, when they happen at work there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Well, maybe I excuse myself to the restroom to freak out in private.

At least I found someone who believes me and wants to help me. Can I be cured, um probably not. Can it be managed better I sure as hell hope so. Now who wants to sleep over this weekend while my husband is away…as you guessed it I’ll be sleeping on the couch with my phone nearby. Good times, good times.

Just a few other things that make my OCD act up:

Where do I step?? What if I step more on one with the left foot and not that many on the right? Seriously.(mmo-champion.com)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? (source: i.imgur.com)

I fix this EVERY TIME! (source izismile.com)

Finally things that I check/redo constantly:

Locks

Light switches

That my alarm clock is set

Depending on how I stepped of the last step I might have to redo it with the other foot

I’m sure there are others, but now that I’ve freaked anyone out who read this blog I should probably stop…

One last thing. My husband had an idea this was my bigger issue. He says I worry too much. NO KIDDING. But worry is another road to anxiety which we all know leads to (say it with me) OCD! So I’m in for a long haul, but at least he’s here to help me through it and to stop asking me if I’m sure the damn door is locked!